Murphys Laws of Camping
- Any stone in a hiking boot migrates to the location of maximum pressure.
- Remaining distance to a given campsite remains constant as twilight approaches.
- Number of mosquitoes at any given location is inversely proportional to the volume of remaining repellent.
- The probability of finding a latrine is one over the number of poison ivy plants per acre.
- The square feet of level ground available for tents equals the degrees from horizon of the setting sun.
- The need to urinate at night increases in direct relation to the hour past midnight, layers of clothing worn, occupants in your tent, and inches of rain since sunset. Curiously, it increases in 'inverse' relation to the outside temperature.
- The ground under shoulders compresses without sunlight while the ground under feet expands.
- Rocks and sticks rise above dirt when irritated by tent flooring fabric.
- Feet expand when removed from hiking boots. The same law applies to tents and tent bags, clothing and backpacks, and sleeping bags and stuff sacks.
- Backpack strap widths decrease with the distance hiked. To compensate, the weight of the backpack increases.
- Average local temperature increases with the amount of clothing packed.
- Tent stakes come only in the quantity 'N-1' where N is the number of stakes necessary to stake down a tent.
- Fuel in sealed bottles spontaneously evaporates.
- Fuel in stove reservoirs evaporates 10x as fast as fuel in sealed bottles.
- All available humidity and moisture will congregate on match heads.
- If no match heads are in the vicinity, all moisture will congregate inside waterproof clothing.
- The one new tent on the trip that leaks will be yours.
- The side of the tent that leaks will be your side.
- All food assumes a common taste and color when freeze-dried.
- Divide the number of servings by two when reading the directions for reconstituting anything freeze-dried.
- When reading the instructions of a pump-activated water filter, 'hour' should be substituted for 'minute' when reading the average quarts filtered per minute.
- A backpack's weight load migrates up and back the longer it is in motion.
- All tree branches in a forest grow outward from their respective trunks at exactly the height of your nose. If you are male, tree branches will also grow at groin height.
- Swiss Army Knife toothpicks and tweezers evaporate open contact with air.
- Rain happens.
- Waterproof clothing isn't. (However, it is 100% effective at containing sweat).
- Non-stick pans aren't.
- Waterproof matches aren't.
- One size fits all don't.
- Anything bug-proof isn't.
- A backpack's weight is not affected by the amount of food eaten out of it.
- The minimum temperature rating for any sleeping bag raises as the external temperature lowers.
- Ropes holding bear bags stretch.
- The loudness of an animal at night grows as the size of the animal shrinks.
- The sun sets 47% faster than normal when setting up camp. It sets another 28% faster if rain is eminent.
- Of a 25% chance of rain, 100% will fall in your campsite.
- When hiking, you take half as many downhil steps as uphill.
- 95% of a backpack's contents could have been left at home.
- The 5% left at home will be needed.
- The memory of misery approaches zero as the memory of joy approaches infinity.
Yours in Scouting Service
Junior Assistant Scoutmaster